How’s the weather where you are? I hope that a warm sun is shining on your bare knees as you pedal serenely down country lanes, a gentle tailwind wafting you along and gently cooling your sweaty bumcheeks.
Here, at the time of writing, I’m wearing a thermal base layer, T-shirt, running jacket, fleecy gloves, leggings, two (TWO!) pairs of shorts, headband, hat and a Buff covering my face.
I’m dressed like this because it’s -9°C and it’s belting down. I’m in the Milton Keynes Tundra running a marathon – well, seven marathons actually, in seven days.
In that week in March when the weather closed motorways, suspended train services, and led to a mass upturn in public swearing.
The event is called ‘Week at the Knees’ and is exactly that, a week of knee torture. It’s also the most number of marathons I’ve attempted in one go, my previous best being three in three days.
I kept a brief race diary of the assault on my legs, which I’ve shared here in a bid to impress/deter you from doing something similar.
Martyn Brunt's race-week diary
Day 1
Finish time: 4:40hrs
Race in a word: Steady
Weather: Bitter wind
Course highlight: Slipping on goose sh*t
Post-race treat: Chocolate Buttons
Earworm: A New England by
Kirsty MacColl
Day 2
Finish time: 4:37hrs
Race in a word: Stiff
Weather: Rain
Course highlight: Having to wring my gloves out while running
Post-race treat: Bourbon biscuits
Earworm: Joy Division Oven Gloves by Half Man Half Biscuit
Day 3
Finish time: 4:14hrs
Race in a word: Chafing
Weather: Sleet
Course highlight: Dunking my hand in a cup of tea to get rid of Raynaud’s
Post-race treat: Wispa Gold
Earworm: Beefy Grandad by Petrol B*****d
Day 4
Finish time: 4:40hrs
Weather: Snow
Race in a word: Siberian
Course highlight: My bottle being so cold that drinking made my teeth ache
Post-race treat: Fry’s Turkish Delight
Earworm: Kennedy by The Wedding Present
Day 7 - Finish time: 4:30hrs; Weather: Who cares; Race in a word: Done
Day 5
Finish time: 4:34hrs
Weather: Arctic
Race in a word: Swearing
Course highlight: The wind blowing the feed station table over
Post-race treat: Custard creams
Earworm: Boys in the Better Land by Fontaines DC
Day 6
Finish time: 4:33hrs
Weather: Icy
Race in a word: Shuffle
Course highlight: A plastic boardwalk over grass which was like an ice minefield
Post-race treat: Cadbury’s Bournville
Earworm: Where’s me Jumper? by Sultans of Ping
Day 7
Finish time: 4:30hrs
Weather: Who cares
Race in a word: Done
Course highlight: Being outpaced
by a duck
Post-race treat: Guinness
Earworm: Top of the World by Shonen Knife
For the number lovers out there, the final reckoning is 31:53hrs with an average finish time of 4:32hrs.
I somehow managed to finish second overall, but I was mainly doing it to raise money for the marvellous ‘Cyclists Fighting Cancer,’ a fantastic charity founded by my friend Mike Grisenthwaite, which provides specially adapted bikes for children undergoing cancer treatment to help with their recovery.
As for me, I’m now off to pick ice out of my nasal hairs while pondering my life choices.
Illustration credit: Daniel Seex
