As the last vestige of warmth leaves the sun’s rays and the muddy streak starts to appear up my backside from my mudguard-less rear wheel, it’s time to admit that the tri season is done for another year.
Also, that once again I have narrowly failed to qualify for the Ironman World Championship, missing
out by a mere two-and-a-half hours.
Still, no point crying over spilt energy gel; the campaign for world dominance next season starts here. It’s time to beat the dried mud off my XC spikes with a mallet and search through the stolen Ikea bag under the stairs for my arm warmers, because time and triathlon wait for no man when it comes to making sure you make the most of the wet weeks ahead.
But what does a multi-talentless athlete like me do during the long nights and how can it inspire you to off-season greatness, I hear you ask..?
Read on to find out my top tips for the ideal month-by-month winter schedule, complete with all the excuses you need for why you won’t win anything next year either…
October – Back in the gym
It’s been a long hard tri season and you really need to recover – so naturally you spend October doing trail marathons, duathlons, swimming galas and the odd cheeky 10k, because if you don’t your rivals will sneak up and beat you next season.
All this is in addition to your annual return to the gym where you reacquaint yourself with stomach crunches, lateral pull-downs and other contortions of dubious benefit.
If, like me, you struggle to lift an overfilled drinks bottle, then there’s always circuit training or the spinning class to fall back on, although make sure you don’t wear your cycling gear to these…
Not only does sweat corrode the fabric, but the big problem with Lycra is that the further you are from your bike the more ridiculous it looks.
However, do remember to make sure you wear one of your best race finisher t-shirts of the year to the gym, partly so that people know they aren’t dealing with some amateur, and partly so that when you’re rubbish they’ll just assume you’re tired or resting.
November – Turbos and trails
It had to happen, the weather has finally got too cold and the country lanes too covered in thorns and muddy farm dreck even for you, so I’m afraid it’s time to break out… ta daaaah… the turbo trainer.
Yes, soon it will have your wheel in its vice-like grip as it destroys your illusions about your cadence, power, technique and ability to maintain the TT position, leaving your ego as numb as your undercrackers.
Top tip – if you want to save money on expensive fireworks, try pedalling at maximum cadence for 30 seconds and then shutting your eyes, you’ll see all the bright colours and flashes you want.
November is also the month the cross country season starts, and I continue to persevere in my local Birmingham League despite realising that I’ve been taking part longer than the race winner has been alive.
It’s also the month of cyclocross, if you’re that way inclined, which I had a go at a few times but stopped when I realised I was actually faster if I just ran round with my bike on my shoulder.
December – Race entries and pudding runs
It’s Chriiiistmas and the spirit of our lord Noddy Holder says that even you must let your tri hair down for the festive break. The main focus of your month is on entering races, then going to your club’s annual dinner and hearing what races everyone else is doing, before going home and entering more races.
A good idea can be to get a friend or significant other to hide your phone when you return ‘refreshed’ from tri club nights out, it will save you a fortune in drunken race entries (which is absolutely not how I ended up entering Challenge Roth, Ironman Lanzarote, Marathon Eryri, Ironman France, the Reykjavik Marathon and the Atlantic Coast Challenge).
There are still plenty of racing opportunities for you between mince pies and fending off Mariah Carey, with Santa Runs and Christmas Pudding Runs galore.
And don’t forget, if Father Christmas took the hint and brought you some lovely carbon componentry, you are legally obliged to test it immediately by going on a long bike ride. Never mind that Christmas family dinner, you’ll still be full from all the pudding runs anyway.
January – New year challenges
New year, new you! Actually no, new year, same old you, but new everyone else, as your local ParkRun, fitness centre and swimming pool are suddenly swamped with strangers in brand new kit.
Have patience young grasshopper, in two weeks’ time you’ll have the Wattbike to yourself again, and there will be some proper bargains on eBay for barely used trainers.
It’s traditional, of course, to start the new year off with something on 1 January, be it a teeth-rattling dip in the sea in nothing but your grundies, or a new year’s day running race where everyone’s sweat smells of alcohol.
January is also the month our evil swimming coach unleashes his annual stupid swimming challenge upon us, and previous Spanish-inquisition sets have included swimming 50,000m in a week, doing 100m in 100 seconds 100 times in a row, or doing a mile of butterfly, absolutely none of which help me swim 3.8km any faster, but watching us suffer at least cheers him up.
February – Back on the road
The coldest, darkest, wettest month of the year – so what better time for cycling clubs to organise their first road races. Cunningly disguised as ‘Reliability Rides’, these are billed as non-competitive sportives around undulating country lanes.
But don’t fall for that old flannel, these are some of the most hotly-contested burn-ups of the year on some of the hardest courses in the area, with everyone trying to put their marker down for the season ahead.
It’s also the month of the fantastic National XC Championships – which I last did at Parliament Hill in London – and where I fell on my face in spectacular fashion before leaping up and swearing so lavishly that I sounded like a chat-bot with Tourette’s, at which point I realised I was directly in front of about 20 kids from a junior athletics club and one horrified coach.
March – Bikes on tour
Look! Is that the sun I see peeping through the murky rainclouds?! No, it isn’t, it’s more rain, so if you want the sun you’ll need to shove off to a Spanish island to find it.
I’ve been going on training camps to Mallorca for so many years that my bike box is more travelled than a wine bottle gift bag, but it’s still a shock when I see my knees after three months of lagging them in thermal bib-longs.
Back in days of yore, training camps were where you went to get fit for the season ahead, but these days people start training at Christmas FOR training camps, so expect the first few days to be torture.
Concentrate on your core skills of remembering how to get pedals off and nailing that pronunciation of “cafe con leche, por favor”.
Enjoy folks – and from April your faithful columnist will see you putting this advice into action as we hurl ourselves into the new race season. That world champs qualification? It might just happen…
Brunty’s top 5 off-season events
Christmas Pudding Run
Pudding runs can be found pretty much all over the country and are specially coordinated to take place on the coldest, iciest day of the year. The nearest to me is organised by the lovely Sneyd Striders Running Club near Walsall, and for 10 miles of your toil and trouble you get a lovely steaming pud to go with your lovely, steaming body.
12 Pubs of Christmas
Every year, a group of like-minded athletes from Warwickshire go on a 12-mile run around Leamington Spa visiting a pub every mile. The only rules are you must drink in each pub and must dress as a reindeer, elf, Santa, Grinch or similar. The pubs we visit are the White Horse, Royal Pug, Cricketers Arms, Somerville Arms… after that I can’t remember.
New Year’s Day Dip
All of the bravery of open-water swimming with none of the fun… why not shrink your cockles with a refreshing dip in your nearest icy wastes, whether it be sea, lake or lido.
Icing on the Cake
Every summer there’s a brutal trail marathon in the beautiful Shropshire hills called the ‘Piece of Cake’, which takes you over the fearsome Long Mynd and up Carding Mill Valley. And every February its evil twin follows the same course but with added wind, rain, ice and the threat of a lonely death. Great fun.
Something daft
It is the solemn duty of every triathlete to do at least one extremely daft race each winter. In the past I’ve competed in the Cold Water Swimming Champs, the Pantomime Horse Race, underpants runs, Santa bike rides, tweed runs and lunatic obstacle courses. We’ve raced hard all year, so now’s the time to race harder and beat some unathletic strangers.
Illustrations: Daniel Seex
