No photos, please – we’re racing

Recently I was reading about the various rule changes that have been introduced to Ironman races this year in the vain hope that there might be some sort of loophole which would result in a mid-50s, mid-pack, middling Midlander qualifying for Kona with no extra training.

Alas not. However, amid all the stuff about draft zones and no longer being disqualified for having your zipper open, there was something which caught my eye under the heading “glasses banned”.

As someone who has to squint just to see the massive clock on the wall at the end of a swimming pool I might as well race a triathlon blindfolded as do one without wearing my glasses, but fortunately the glasses in question are those “smart glasses” which seem to be de rigeur among influencers and other perverts these days. It seems they have now started appearing in triathlons so the authorities have moved to prohibit “in-race footage” with participants now explicitly banned from taking photos or video footage during races.

When smart glasses aren’t so smart

To be honest I’m not sure who this ban is targeted at because I can’t imagine the elites having much interest in eight hours of video footage of the road five metres in front of them which they’ve already seen live. While at my level, the battery technology doesn’t yet exist that would keep the glasses going for long enough to last to the end of the race, unless I fitted a bloody solar panel to my back.

Banning athletes from taking photos and videos during races is not new, and since 2017 it has meant instant disqualification if you’ve whipped your mobile phone out to snap a selfie as you hurtle one-handedly on your bike towards the finish line and/or oblivion.

Wanting to take selfies during races has always mystified me because if there is a time in my life I really don’t want to see what I look like it’s while I’m racing.

Unflattering race faces

Race photos by professional photographers generally do for my self-esteem what wind did for the trees on St Michael’s Mount, so I dread to think what a shaky selfie of my snot-covered, flyblown face halfway round the run course would do. The closest I have ever come to experiencing this was at Ironman 70.3 in Antwerp when I ran down a shopping precinct with mirrored windows, and instead of seeing a reflection of a chiselled Olympian cruising to a PB, I saw a pale, thin man who looked like he was staggering away from the police having been freshly tasered.

As ever though, banning is one thing but enforcing a ban is another, and this is on my mind because at a certain recent race I did which will remain nameless, there was widespread selfie-ism going on during the run, and more than one person appeared to be having some sort of video conference while they were running.

Why go even slower?

Now, I don’t know if race authorities are expecting other athletes to report such behaviour, but as various gangster films would put it, “I ain’t no grass” so I’m not going to dob anyone in (unless I catch you littering in which case you’ll get a red card faster than Bruno Fernandes). What I can – and did – do though is engage in the typically British behaviour of tutting loudly, huffing, “accidentally” jostling and muttering “FFS” as I ran past. The fact that I, an ageing rouleur comprising 70% scar tissue, was able to overtake people half my age should tell you how much all this selfie-ism while running was slowing them down, which you’d think would be enough to kill the practice stone dead.

Anyway, at risk of sounding like a miserable old killjoy – which I am, but that’s by-the-by – give the in-race selfies a miss, folks. It’s banned for a reason and even if you aren’t fussed about your own safety, if you come a cropper some poor volunteer or marshal has to come and scoop you up. Also, you run the risk of slowing your fellow athletes down – and retrieving your phone from the hedge into which it has been hurled by a moody Midlander can really dent your PB.

Who is Martyn Brunt?

Martin is tri’s foremost average athlete and is living proof that hours of training and endless new kit are no substitute for ability.