“Do I care enough about my athletic performance to stab myself in the penis?” Brunt on the Winter Olympics ‘Penisgate’

With the Winter Olympics hitting the headlines for ‘penis-gate’, I got to wondering. Would injecting myself in the penis to increase the surface area of my tri-suit make me faster too – and could I ever bring myself to do it?

Yes, during the recent Winter Olympics my eye was caught by the story that ski jumpers were allegedly injecting themselves in the penis with acid in order to improve sporting performance.

The drug in question apparently increases the size of said private area, thus increasing the surface area of their suits which could in turn increase their flight through the air – although presumably at the risk of a much heavier landing.

It’s important to stress there was no hard (ha!) evidence of this happening (although skiers who leave three tracks in the snow would be a giveaway). But as someone who also does sport while wearing a skinsuit and who is always looking for an advantage that doesn’t require extra effort, a number of questions flashed into my mind:

• Does increasing the surface area of your skinsuit by, say, just eating loads of Jaffa Cakes, have the same effect. Have I been getting it wrong all these years by trying to adopt the physique of a pine mug tree?
• Are the drugs in question cheaper than all the various bits of aerodynamic and carbon componentry I’ve added to my bike over the years?
• Would I have to remove the top tube on my bike if I wanted to get into the aero position, and why did no one laugh at the ‘aero helmet’ joke I wrote in the comments underneath the Facebook story?
• Do I care enough about my athletic performance to seriously consider stabbing myself in my penis in order to improve my results?

In case you are wondering, the answers to the above points are no, yes, don’t be filthy, and absolutely blimmin’ not.

Going to lengths

The lengths to which some people will go to in order to improve their sporting performance has always been a source of bafflement to me. Among my tri friends I am renowned for not really doing anything to help myself. I have never been one to get the latest bit of kit or ground-breaking gadget, and I’m notorious for not having any energy drinks, recovery drinks, gels, bars, or supplements of any kind.

My one nod to the need to give myself a bit of energy is beetroot juice, which I drink all the time despite it tasting like cough medicine, and my having to avoid public urinals because of the discolouring effect it has on my output.

I have often wondered though if I’m missing out on some great energising supplement or foodstuff (usually when someone flies past me on the bike or strides serenely away from me on the run) so, in light of this – and I know I’m probably going to regret this – I’ve decided to ask you, dear reader, to send me your suggestions.

Marginal gains

Is there a magic potion that’s helped you achieve athletic heights you could only have dreamed of? Is there a secret recipe that has spurred you on to sporting greatness, such as finishing in the top 20 of your age group or, better still, beating your club mates?

Is there a foodstuff that helps you stave off the dreaded bike bonk, or the killer cramps, or just makes you feel slightly less like death after racing? If so, I want to hear about it. Send me your suggestions either via 220’s Facebook page.

I should stress that the kinds of suggestions I’m looking for are recipes, products, supplements etc, that you feel give you a boost when you’re racing and training. Not suggestions such as “retire” or “take up rambling”. I get enough of those suggestions at home.

Also, please don’t suggest injecting myself in the undercarriage. It would be the very definition of a ’marginal gain’, particularly after a cold swim…