Why everyone should vote for Martyn Brunt!

This came to me when I saw some online poll or other asking what policies you would introduce if you were head of your own party. My thoughts immediately turned to all things tri and, worryingly, the punishments I would mete out to people who transgress the unwritten, but widely known, rules that hold our sport together.

Having scribbled a few down I read them out to my wife who started calling me Kim Jong-Brunt, suggesting that I was in danger of coming across as more of a mad dictator than a benevolent president.

So I’ve softened my stance a bit with some financial inducements for good behaviour and some policies designed to make life easier, specifically for people in the key ‘50-year-old-near-the-back’ demographic – if there must be injustice, then let it be in my favour.

Anyway, I’m now ready to launch my manifesto on the world and I invite applications for the key posts in my Government such as Minister for Transitions, Secretary of State for Public Lane Swimming, Keeper of the Royal Track Pump, etc.

Feel free to suggest your own ministerial positions based on the key policies outlined below, of which there are 23 for 2022.

Martyn Brunt’s key policies for 2022

1 | All receipts from bike shops to say ‘£20’ regardless of how much you’ve spent.

2 | Immediate imprisonment for people in swimming pools who push off the wall in front of you just as you’re coming in to turn.

3 | Non-triathletes who say ‘I couldn’t do the swim but I could do the bike and run’ to be made to go and do the bike and run.

4 | Custodial sentences for people who knowingly rack their bikes facing the wrong way in transition.

5 | The number ‘.01’ to be banned from all clocks and replaced with ‘.02’ instead, thus ensuring the removal of all finishing times like 2:30:01.

• Triathlon times: What’s a good triathlon time?

6 | Post-race walk-through litter pick of the entire bike and run course for anyone penalised for littering.

7 | Gordon Ramsay to be forced to keep doing an Ironman every week until he achieves a qualifying time for the Kona race he’s done.

8 | Achievements like ‘finished first in the over-40 age-group of male athletes from my club who were racing on a Wednesday in June’ to be formally recognised in race results.

9 | Anyone who does breaststroke legs at turn buoys to be forced to stand directly in front of a free kick by Roberto Carlos.

10 | People who walk on the run course and then start running again as soon as you catch up with them to be listed as ‘racewalker’ in results.

11 | If you finish first in your age-group, and you were the only one in your age-group, it officially still counts as an age-group victory.

No. 15 – Tax relief for people who’ve used the same bike for 3+ years

12 | Fines for athletes who still have race-number stickers on their bike, helmet or body more than one week after their race.

13 | Anyone DSQ’d for drafting has to ride the Ironman Lanzarote bike course on a fixed-wheel tandem with Magnus Backstedt.

14 | Anyone who has enough energy left to do a sprint finish for the line to be made to go and do another lap of the run course.

15 | Tax relief for people who’ve used the same bike for three-plus years.

16 | All arguments between tri club members over new club kit to be decided by a duel.

17 | Kristian Blummenfelt to be nationalised.

18 | Tough Mudders to be renamed ‘Non-competitive cross-country’.

19 | Race medals to be accepted as currency in running shops.

20 | Cut-off times to be abolished but a hungry bear to be released over the line one hour after the race starts.

21 | A formal scoring system to be introduced with which to judge people’s puncture repair techniques on club rides.

22 | 3min penalty for having oily chain marks on the back of your calf.

23 | All over-40 age-groups to be renamed as the ‘Racing with injury’ category.

Vote Brunty! Sensible policies for a happier triathlon.

Illustration: Daniel Seex