Martyn Brunt pondering life's questions
Training

21 baffling things about triathlon

Martyn Brunt compiles a list of things that mystifies him about triathlon and triathletes...

1 Has any age-grouper in the history of triathlon ever actually kicked their legs in an open-water swim?

Having fed you on bananas, water and gels during a race, why do organisers then give you exactly the same at the finish line?

Does anyone actually use over 30% of the functionality of their Garmin?

Why do I always pick the post-race mobile toilet that looks like the aftermath of an incontinence convention?

Why does anything connected with nutrition always seem interesting for about 10 minutes before descending into bottomless tedium?

Why does every race photo make my face look like a kneecap soaked in vinegar?

Why do some runners wear baggy shorts over skin-tight leggings?

Why are cyclists completely invisible to motorists until one goes through a red light, at which point they become ‘ALL CYCLISTS’?

Has anyone actually met somebody who’s owned up to being a toe-tapper in swims?

10 Is there anything worse than waiting at an empty airport baggage reclaim for your bike box to emerge onto the carousel?

11 Has anyone ever told you what distance they’ve done in training without then adding: “…and that’s not counting warm-up and cool-down”?

12 No matter how hard I try, why can I not pre-emptively go to the toilet before a race – yet the moment I put on my wetsuit suddenly I’m bursting?

13 Why, no matter how dynamic I try to look when exiting the swim in a race, do I always emerge looking like a damp osprey?

14 When my bike has worked perfectly well all year without any intervention from me, why do I feel compelled to tinker with it just before a race?

15 Why is whoever racks their bike facing the wrong way in T1 always next to me?

16 When becoming aware that I’m being photographed while cycling, why do I stare dead ahead like an unfazed shop window dummy when all it ever does is make me look constipated?

17 Why do my post-race feet look like a pair of napalmed rats?

18 Why, no matter how carefully I take them off, do I always have to spend 10 minutes untangling my earphones at the start of a turbo session?

19 Has anyone ever said: “I’d be fascinated to hear about your PBs. Tell me more”?

20 If I gave up triathlon, would I really grow a planetoid gut and man-tits like melted pyramids of flab within three months?

21 Ok not strictly tri-related but seriously has anyone ever paid full price for anything in DFS?

If you have the answers to any of these please tweet us at @220Triathlon

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